I must apologize for the lack of posts lately. My sister Anne and Drew have been in town for 2 weeks and I've been spending every spare minute with them. I of course will post plenty of pictures from the visit soon. Tonight though, I have different thoughts on my mind
Before Owen, I never realized how much height gets brought up in converstation. Whether it be in a descriptive context or in as a reference point to a story, I now find myself finely tuned in to the subject when it comes up. I fear that discussions may veer off into negativity about shortness and/or that someone will drop the M bomb. The cosmic irony of my fear is that the M bomb always comes out of nowhere.
This weekend Dan and I were with friends and the discussion of someone's height came up. I sat there bracing myself for a derragatory comment but it never came. Just as I started to relax again, one of our friends stated that he wished he had little midgets to bring him his beer. POW! I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Thank God for Dan. As in previous intances, I froze up while my husband handled the situation perfectly. He looked at our friend and said, "You mean little people right?". He said it in such a way that meant, "Bro, do you realize what you just said?". That's all it took. Our friend realized his mistake.
It must be said that our friend would never, ever intentionally hurt us or Owen. He knows Owen and the situation and has been there to support us the whole way. It was a foot-in-mouth comment that was in no way meant to be hurtful or mean. But even knowing that, I couldn't help feeling a little undone.
I'm not sure what it is with me and and that word or why it conjures up such emotion. Luckily, I'm getting a better at handling it and each time I'm able to compose my self a little more quickly. My desire to control my reactions is mainly due to my husband. I think he knows that sometimes people are just unaware of what they say. If we respond too strongly, we risk alienating our friends by putting the focus on our reaction. If the goal is acceptance of Owen and our family, alienation is not really the way to go. That Dan is a a pretty smart guy huh?
Beyond that, I sometimes feel guilty getting up on a PC high horse. There were times when I was not always a spokesperson for sensitivity. I now realize that at some point, I surely have offended someone with an ignorant comment or remark that I thought was funny. I am now mortified that I would have ever been insensitive to differences but I know that I too have never meant to purposely hurt anyone.
It's funny. You never know what people's stories are. A few months ago, when the a guy we had just met started talking to Dan and I about midget tossing, do you think he ever would have thought that we might have a son with dwarfism? Of course not! He felt horrible after we stopped him and let him know our situation. I supposed I would like to give people the chance to say the right thing which is why I should explain rather than get upset.
I wonder though - will the fear ever go go away? When I go out with Owen, will I always dread comments and stares? Owen increasingly draws looks but right now, it's more of a "I know there's something different about that kid, I just don't know what" kind of thing. People don't have time to judge when they don't know what they are dealing with. The older he gets the less he can hide it. How will I react when people react to Owen's dwarfism?
The point is, I can't keep fearing what might happen. That's not a way to live and it's not the proper way to teach Owen self-confidence. Our aforementioned friend apologized profusely and we of course accepted with no hard feelings which is how we have to keep going. I have to keep plugging away and learning to truly let things go. I wonder however if the fear will always still be there? Does anyone else have the same thoughts?
13 comments:
I totally know what you mean. The other day a friend of mine sat on a chair that was pretty low and she said "I feel like a midget"...I froze. As soon as she said it she realized what had come out of her mouth and she felt HORRIBLE! She is one of my best friends and I know she didn't mean to say it, it just came out.I mean, before I had Anais I used to say that word, I just didn't know it was offensive and NEVER used it in a mean way.
It is amazing how we find ourlselves being so sensitive about this kind of things now isn't it?
I hear you, sister! Although Colleen isn't with us, I am very hyper sensitive to the "m" word. I have made sure to explain to my sons the importance of not using that word and after volunteering at the conference, they feel the same. In fact, they had so much fun at the conference, they both told me that they wouldn't mind at all if they themselves were little people. They made me so proud! And now they tell their friends that their sister was a little person and hope that those friends will be sensitive when it comes to those kind of comments. The Welch boys have Owen's back!
I too dread any reference to comments regarding little people and being derogetory. I have noticed that everything is focused around height. People are obsessed with height, especially when it's a man that is on the shorter side. T.V. shows make a huge deal out of short men. It makes me so sad and I hope that it doesn't bother Cole when he gets older. I was in Vegas right before got pregnant and there was a little person in one of the clubs and my friends made such a big deal out of it calling him the m word. I never saw him and never cared for the word much..I don't know if somewhere deep inside I knew I would have a special baby. Anyways, when I went home back in February with Cole, my friends brought that story up talking about m*****'s and I was shocked. I didn't know how to react so I sort of just stood there smiling waiting for the converstation to be over. I know wish I would have said something. I really don't know if they knew what they had said in front of me and to this day never brought it up, but it did hurt really bad. I guess we will just get a thicker skin...I really hope so!
I am still constantly making family and friends aware that it is not the right word to use. Because Avery is not with us they do not realize that it is not the proper term. Even my mom, who I know would never, ever, offend someone on purpose, used the term the other day and I politely corrected her. I have to remind them that Avery is a little person and even if she isn't with us they need to be respectful. I don't know maybe it's dumb but I hope they will understand.
Cat-I hear you. I have heard the word too-and sometimes it doesn't bother me too much because I know it's all about educating-people don't know, yada yada yada. But height is such a big deal. I then think to the positive side-a firend of mine was shorter than most of us girls-and you know what? He was class president and the most popular guy with the ladies. Ido think a lot of the staring towards Own may be because he is so darn cute!
I do freeze up too sometimes (I will admit) and usually people realize it-but not everyone knows about Preston's condition just because it has not come up. I usually tell people if we are talking about him extensively but usually don't say I have a kid...oh and he has achon" So if someone does make a comment I try to determine if they know about Preston or not.
It just plain sucks sometimes and makes me realize how much more of a sensitive person I am now.
Ok that was long winded. Thank you for such a blunt, honest heartfelt post!
I understand!! I don't fear what we will hear in the future but I fear how it will be taken. Meaning, if someone says the M word, which I have heard, I cock my head to the side and determine, quickly the appropriate response. i am normally cool headed and don't go off, but I have been known too and that is what I fear. Words are words. They only have power if we allow them too. Like your situation, Dan brought the mistake forward and you let it go. Some days it will not be so easy. It is about telling people what is acceptable. My dad let the M word fly one day and we were taken back, obviously he knows now, but still. In time, you will turn a blind eye to those that need to be ignored and those that need to be confronted. It's not the word that bothers us, it's the images that get imagined when it's said. That is what's hard. Hugs to you!!
Hi Cat
I have been following your blog for ages now but kept forgetting how to log in! I'm mum to 2 year old Fern who also has acon.
I totally know what you mean. I have yet to hear the m word in conversation but am always on guard to hear like you. height does seem to come up all the time. when she first started to walk i lost count of how many times people commented that she looked too small to be walking and I started to feel very defensive but always manage to hold my tongue. She always seems to get lots of stares and often wonder if they are trying to work out if she is different or is it just because she is so cute..I doubt I shall ever ask. At least we get a bit of time to try and get used to it and work out how to respond before the children themselves become more aware.
By the way you have a very cute son. Take care. sharon
It's so interesting to me...
I don't have any kids of my own yet because of my friends and kids that I have met I find myself getting very defensive when the M word gets thrown around.
The other night I was on the phone with a friend of mine and he said "So, how was the Midget conference?" I just felt my heart sink... then, politely tried to explain to him why it was so offensive to use that term. He is one of my best friends and would NEVER do anything to offend me or any of my other friends but it's all about educating people. It amazes me how many people still have no idea the impact that word has on others. Anyway, sorry for the long post, seems a bit repetitive. Hugs to you all!
Great, thought provoking post. Of course, this still doesn't excuse you for leaving us hanging for a week!
Umm, just kidding.
I can't swear to it, but I'm pretty sure I didn't spend much time making fun of LPs before Caitlin was born... although I was sure guilty of using "midget" plenty often, along with nearly every phrase short of the "n" word that would make me sound un-PC. Funny - before Caitlin, I wasn't even comfortable with Little People, Big World, since not only do I not like reality TV, but it felt way too much like exploitation. "Hey, Ma, look at the midgets on the TV!". Of course, since Caitlin, I've discovered reasons to really appreciate the show - not least for the information I've gained by watching it, but more than anything else for the way it helped my parents understand what was going on with their granddaughter. They'd been fans of the show for a year or two at least before Caits was born, and once a month or so would bring it up in conversation, like "oh you should have seen that show about the little people last week - it's so inspirational that they live their life the way they do". When we got Caitlin's diagnosis at 3 months, I called my parents and told them that she had Achondroplasia and my dad said "Oh, like Amy Roloff. Okay!" That was it - they understood, and accepted. They already had a great example of an adult woman with Achon, living her life and raising 4 kids.
Anyway, sure, I'm afraid that Caits will face some idiots in her life - but then she's a half-breed, and a girl, so she will anyway. I just hope I give her enough confidence that she can do the same thing - just make them understand how dumb it is to say something like that!
Cat!
I agree with your post and totally relate! Just this past weekend at a family reunion I found myself explaining the whole story again, what is achon, blah, blah, blah. The word midget came up and I had to explain that it is not a nice word and why. A relative asked something along the lines of will he learn to talk and write ... Please, HELLO?! I honestly think people's ignorance makes them looks stupid! Again, I'm glad we have these communication venues (blogs, POLP board, email, etc) to help us mommies and daddies hang in there !
Trisha
Hi Catherine, i'm a little woman with Kniest Syndrome. My son has Kniest Syndrome.
My love is "normal" man.
I'm not speak English very well.
The job that you will have to make as mother of Owen will be that one to teach he, the love towards oneself same. The love and the respect that Owen will have towards of oneself will render less important for he and for you the looks of the persons.
Hey Cat, it's Julie from AR! I wish I could say that it gets better as we grow up. I try to remind myself that people are not as educated on LPs as they should be and with every "m" mishap we encounter, we can educated those in hopes that they can spread it. I too cringe when people start discussing height because you never know where the converation will end up. I have had to deal with those comments to this day and I try to use it as a time to educate those who just don't know the PC lingo of LPs. By just meeting you once, I know Owen will grow up with the confidence to take on those comments full force. Enjoy your weekend!!--Julie
It's so difficult isn't it?! Even during my pregnancy I'd hear people making jokes about little people and I wondered how they would feel if they knew that there was a beautiful little person resting in my tummy!
I can forgive them because I know it is ignorance that causes them to be thoughtless, not unkindness. However, I do feel that your little boy will help to educate them - he will help open up narrow minds in a way that we can't do without him - kinda cool really!
Thinking of you guys
Clare
Post a Comment